Oh man, your post made my day! Finding a rowing machine that checks all those boxes is a tall order, but I’d say the Concept2 Model D is a strong contender. It’s known for being super durable, which should weather your “enthusiasm storms.” It has an air resistance system, so you’ll hear some “whooshing” but it won’t sound like a raging sea.
Size-wise, it’s long, but it breaks down for storage, so at least your bathroom’s safe. Sadly, no built-in sass machine or WiFi playlist, but the performance monitor lets you track progress like a pro. You can always rig up a Bluetooth speaker and blast those tunes! You might want to look into the Hydrow too-it’s a bit more high-tech, but pricier. Hope that helps you dodge buying an acorn masterpiece!